


The War Running Through Our Veins

by dephinecormier



Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/F, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-08
Updated: 2016-09-08
Packaged: 2018-08-13 21:54:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7987564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dephinecormier/pseuds/dephinecormier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She sees the explosive rolling towards her and blue eyes widen. “Everyone get down!” Maria yells as she flips herself over the railing, shielding a fellow agent from the blast and fragments fly into the air, tearing into her flesh</p>
            </blockquote>





	The War Running Through Our Veins

**Author's Note:**

> Deals with the aftermath of the Avengers. My brain saw that one scene and then saw the other scene in the comics with Maria having a panic attack in the shower and was like WRITE IT so here we are. Forgive me if I got anything in the movie wrong because I'm not very familiar with it myself and do feel free to correct me.

She sees the explosive rolling towards her and blue eyes widen. “Everyone get down!” Maria yells as she flips herself over the railing, shielding a fellow agent from the blast and fragments fly into the air, tearing into her flesh.

And suddenly, she’s back in the oppressive heat with the smell of burnt flesh and the thick scent of blood in the air, the mangled pieces of the truck effectively trapping her under as she blinks the sand out of her eyes. _No-_

She heaves a breath of air in, forcing herself to breathe, forcing herself to push it down, to push down the urge to vomit. No, this is no time for her brain to run wild, dredging up painful memories. No- there is still Loki to stop and the Tesseract to get back and Barton is compromised and-

She pushes herself up, ignoring the voices of concern around her and quickly snaps out orders to the agents around her, checking that everyone was alive. She clings on to that glimmer of hope, relief washing through her when there’s no death count despite the explosion and the Hulk’s rampage.

Then Phil’s dead and the image of his pool of blood is burnt into her eyelids, blood seeping into the sand, the earth greedily sucking it up and her team’s bodies lie around her, lifeless eyes staring into the unforgiving brightness of the sun just like the flash of brightness forcing her eyes close before their truck drove onto the landmine. _No-_ she can’t be there

She tries to shake herself out of it, get back to her senses, but she can still feel the heat radiating from the sand, the sound of her team’s laughter echoes in the distance. She’s fine, she’s fine, she’s not fine. But there’s a nuke heading for New York and she has to stop it before more people die, more civilians die, and Natasha- no she has to save them, she has to, she’s already lost too many in the line of fire.

She’s too late but Stark guides the missile into the portal and she watches as the portal closes, helpless, before he falls from the sky again, safe, and so is everyone else. The city would rebuild and the world would recover. Except for those who didn’t make it. Except for the gallons of blood spilt for nothing but a god’s ambition to rule. And what difference was that from the wars they fought as humans, over power, over territory and over fleeting, meaningless causes?

At least Natasha was alive, at least she hadn’t lost her like she’d lost Phil, lost her commander, lost her team. Maria wraps herself into Natasha’s warm embrace, breathing in her scent,, pulling her into a passionate kiss, trailing her fingers over the redhead’s arms, feeling the steady beat of her pulse, trying to remind herself of that, attempting to stop the thoughts that come unbidden. They end up in bed under warm sheets, legs tangled together and the waves of sleep pull Maria under.

_Drips of sweat pour down her face, as she blinks the sand out of her eyes, pain radiating from her body as she tries to move. But there’s something heavy pressing down on her, trapping her. She panics trying to get out, glancing around before her eyes fall on the fingers of someone lying a few feet away from her, the gold band of her commander’s wedding ring glinting in the sun. No! She chokes and feels her windpipe close, and suddenly she can’t breathe. Her hands scrabble against the sand and the debris, trying to pull herself out of the truck, trying to find a way to save her commander, to save her team, to get help. But her leg is stuck and she can’t pull herself out, she-_

Maria wakes with a gasp, eyes wide with frenzy darting around the dark room, desperately shoving away the covers and wrenches herself out from under Natasha, running towards the bathroom, towards safety and away from the memories. She leans heavily on the sink, sucking in lungfuls of air, but she can still feel the lingering heat and grains of sand stuck to her sweaty body and the desperation to be clean wins out. She rips off her clothes and stumbles quickly into the shower, twisting the handle such that icy water comes raining down on her, frantically trying to scrub off the sand, trying to wash away the stench of burnt metal and the cloying scent of blood, trying to drown out the memories.

* * *

Natasha wakes with a groan as she is pushed roughly to the side. Turning on the bedside lamp, she blinks blearily, wondering what woke her before she notices Maria’s absence and hears the sound of the shower being turned on. ‘Strange.’ she thought to herself as she pads softly across the room.

“Hill?” she questions, knocking on the door.  

“Maria?” she tries again before she enters the bathroom and sees Maria’s clothes strewn haphazardly on the floor. The soft murmurs of “no no no!” reaches her ears before she glances up and takes in Maria’s form, hunching in on herself, scrubbing herself so furiously that her skin’s red.

She quickly steps towards the brunette and shivers under the icy water,  reaching for the handle and shutting it off. “Maria, it’s okay.” Natasha soothes Maria, but the brunette just squeezes her eyes shut more tightly, wrapping herself tightly in her arms, fingernails digging into her palms.

Natasha reaches out and settles a hand on her back, rubbing soothing circles while another tries to still her shaking hands.

“No!” Maria gasps out before pulling away, stumbling back and slipping, landing hard on the floor. Clouded blue eyes flicker open and a moment passes before Maria realises who was in front of her.

“Nat,” she sobs out “I - I’m sorry.”

“Shit no, Maria, that was my fault! I shouldn’t have touched you without asking first.” Natasha crouches down, frantically checking Maria for any signs of injuries, instinctively reaching out to help before remembering and letting her hand fall.

Maria breathes heavily, trying to pull herself together but she can’t stop thinking, can’t stop seeing the bodies of her teammates . Her breath catches and she reaches out, gripping Natasha’s hand, pulling her close, trying to anchor herself. The wave of panic threatens to pull her under before she hears Natasha’s voice.

“Maria. Maria, I need you to breathe for me okay? Breathe with me.”

She tries to slow her breathing to match Natasha’s.

“That’s it. Breathe in and out. It’s all okay.”

A few moments later her heart settles and she drops her head down on Natasha’s shoulder, turning her head into the curve of Natasha’s neck. “I’m tired.” she whispers, breath ghosting on the redhead’s skin  “But I can’t stop thinking.”

“I know the feeling.” Natasha murmurs back, deeming it safe to trail fingers through dark strands of hair. She feels Maria’s shiver pass through her body before retracting her hands and standing to grab a towel. “Come on,” she says while wrapping Maria in the towel “I’ll make you a cup of tea.” She guides Maria up, supporting the brunette’s weight and helps her into her bathrobe before leading her into the living room and settles her on the couch.

Once the tea’s done, she hands Maria a mug, watching her carefully as Maria unwraps herself and takes the mug with a grateful smile that still didn’t quite reach her eyes. Natasha sits down with a sigh, sipping at her tea,  unwilling to push Maria into telling her what happened. They all had their own demons and with a military background like Maria’s, it wasn’t hard to guess what had happened.

Maria curled herself into Natasha’s side, listening to the steady thump of Natasha’s heartbeat, mind slowing “I’m glad you’re alive.”

The statement hangs in the air before Natasha pulls her in a little tighter. “I’m glad you’re alive too.” she confesses, peppering soft kisses onto the brunette’s head.

A comfortable silence stretched on before Maria yawned and placed her mug down. Her mind quieter than before, she lay her head down on Natasha’s lap and let herself drift off, feeling the rise and fall of Natasha’s stomach,  breathing evening out.

Natasha gazed fondly at the brunette, and carding fingers through dark hair, combing out the tangles. Placing her mug down, she shifted Maria slightly before her  lifting up, carrying her towards the bedroom. Pressing a kiss to her forehead, Natasha settled down in the bed. Reaching to switch off the lamp, she startles slightly as a hand touches her back.

“Thank you for being there for me Nat.” she hears Maria mumble before falling back asleep.

“Always.” she whispers back and lets the light flicker out, pulling up the sheets to cover them both.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this! Sorry about the really abrupt ending because I didn't really know how to end this. Constructive comments would definitely be helpful especially with the PTSD and panic attacks part because I personally have no experience with that myself. Also I totally need to find a beta so hmu if you're willing though i don't write much


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